i want what?!
I realise one shouldn't look for depth in a Backstreet Boys song. I've long gotten over my annoying crushes on boy bands, although you'll have to pry 'N SYNC's "It's Gonna Be Me" out of my cold, dead hands. My cold dead hands. Believe. What always made my boy band crushes so fun was that being charmed by the subjects of pop culture was so beyond the scope of my usual cerebral approach to the world. I was being subversive as a little alterna-punk girl who sometimes switched the Blonde Redhead album with a good booty-shaking jam by a boy band. Ah, welcome to Jewel--as one of my many Daves says--repository of endless dichotomy. At least I won't front about what I like. I like some outright ridiculous things--say Britney Spears' "Stronger" or Gwen Stefani's "What You Waitin' For" when I am on the elliptical machine at the gym. I promise I like things that give me indie cred, too--before you ever heard of it. Check out my new corset-style spats to wear with a new Nanette Lepore Little Black Dress and stilettos. The kid's all right.

But what can I say? I sometimes listen to pop the way that I read comic books. Pop is like candy that clears my palate of all the heavier tastes. Boy bands are a guilty pleasure, but I really have never gotten down with the Backstreet Boys--beyond that "Ever-eh-bahhh-dehhh, rock yo' body now" jam that's fun to pretend to be Frankenstein to. I've always been all right with a song that'll beg the question of "Am I sexual?" so frankly. Hey, we all wonder if we're sexual, right? At least the little blonde dude in the Backstreet Boys was brave enough to ask. Okay, so what if he was sixteen at the time. Anyway . . .

I've learned to ignore the presence of the Backstreet Boys the rare times that I stroll through a mall or in those awful theme restaurants that feature slabs of barbecued fat for US $14.99. Since the Boys are too old to be called boys, but choose to keep the moniker (much like New Kids on the [ed. note: suck the cock] Block), I feel unnerved by them. The other day, I heard that song "I Want It That Way" and found myself completely confused. What way exactly do the Backstreet Boys want it? I had to find answers, so I consulted Google. Google just gave me a bunch of fan and lyrics pages, but didn't answer, "What way do you want it, unnamed square-jawed singer?" Damn, there sure are a lot of BSB fans that love them some glitter stars and neon graphics.

Wikipedia didn't tell me jack either. Apparently a whole lot of people parodied "I Want It That Way" on the Internet. The fact that I didn't know this before Wiki shows just how savvy and with it I am. I consulted my younger, hipper co-workers and asked, "What do they mean?" The answers are too foul to be published. Unsatisfied with my search, I called my mom, an open Backstreet Boys fan. (She's admitted she likes "the one with the nice eyes," although I'll be damned if I know who that is because they all seem kind of squinty-eyed. I've a feeling she means the one with the prematurely receding hairline because he reminds her of everyone her age.)

Since I couldn't get any illumination, I'll just think that "I Want It That Way" is connected somehow to Meatloaf's even-worse "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)." I've always wondered what the hell Meat meant in his song, too. Like "I would do anything for love, but I won't have anal sex!" Or "I would do anything for love, but I am not going to have a threesome with your ex-boyfriend." So maybe the Backstreet Boys are saying they want some scandalous form of sex, but they think they're cool enough not to have to say what it is. It's kind of like how I used to call having sex going to the candy store.

Or maybe they want something else that I'm too uncool to know. I have to be uncool, right? I'm analysing the Backstreet Boys.

Princess Jewella, Queen of Dorks