Current mood:

satisfied

i must be . . .
When I consider the course of my life, I have been relatively lucky in having few burnt bridges. The ones in shambles are the ones I meant to be destroyed, for the most part. One pattern that I see repeating itself--and I am a fervent believer in patterns and finding the lessons in them--is that I have spent a good part of my life trying to dim my own light and talents so that others are not threatened by me. I make myself the harmless genius, rather than a force of reckoning--all because I am afraid that someone won't like me or will think I am too bright to keep whole and that I'll be torn apart by the people I love and respect. In my younger years, I even used to stand with my legs wide apart so as to appear on eye-level with my shorter companions.

Those days are passed. I survey the world in my hoof-heel shoes, standing with feet firmly planted, even if I do sometimes topple crown-of-head over toes. Yet, I still find this pattern emerging of jealousy being the glint in someone else's eyes as she regards me. I really am tired of it at this point, being a grown-ass lady and all. There is no hubris in admitting the truth, only bewilderment. Maybe the button-pusher in me is amused, a little. I'm amused by those who make up weird things instead of facing their mistakes.

Lately, I've dealt with slings and arrows aplenty and have to think that I must be some kind of phenomenal badass for other people to spend so much time with my name in their mouths and my life a focus of their lies and machinations. Truly. When someone despises you enough to say your name more than she says the names of her loved ones, you possess an inhuman power. You possess the power of life eternal when someone hates you with such conviction. Even more if that someone decides to spew lie after lie about you, rather than letting your true deeds and character tell the story of who you are. I am coming to the realisation that I must be a formiddable foe for someone to wage war on me without me ever lifting a finger or caring enough to loft my sword.

This is me, standing tall and telling no untruths. It's kind of neat to be here, even though I am a good deal tired and have wept a little over some of the lessons I've recently learned. I just know that every time someone else tries to steal my light, I only shine brighter and grow stronger. It's as one of my old pieces says: go ahead and underestimate me. You make me stronger that way. I'll sharpen my teeth on your bones and shred your soul with my laughter.

No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. I live forever and win again.

Athenalynx Jewel-unicorn

P.S. I love Shaun and how he has my back no matter what and a great lot of you who do, too. It's good to have friends who fight with you back-to-back, but trust you enough to let you send the hounds into battle yourself--not that I need any hounds. Everyone is his or her own undoing. Our actions define us, but do not limit us.