disasterpants jones ([info]muse) wrote,
@ 2008-11-17 21:42:00
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flashing signals at the leaves
I just sobbed so hard and long that my noises became a little hiccup. I'm working so hard, but sometimes I feel like I'm an incredible fuck-up and all the progress I made is nothing. Tonight is one of those nights, where I'm tender and tear-bruised and feeling very small and very alone. I don't express this because I need or want pity. I express these things because I feel very lost and am flickering my metaphorical flashlight at the trees, hoping to find a friend.

Or at very least another traveler.

talullah jewel

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...and finding, for a moment, the girl who wanders the wild worlds with a mirror...
[info]13_tezcatlipoca
2008-11-18 03:31 am UTC (link)
You are too strong and brilliant for me to cast my pity at you like a grey face in the crowd throwing coins at a goddess.

Alas, and ultimately, I have only little fragments of great hearts and minds for these occasions; Gibran and his words on accepting the seasons of the heart, and anything by Rilke, The Little Prince, and waiting in the fire with Jeff Buckley's stormgrace, and, in the sense of me being on the other side of a great ocean and then beyond, beyond the binary veil, reading your words, I have you. Do you have you? The best thing I feel I could do would be to hold up the mirror right now. Even through the tears you're still beautiful, perhaps more so because you're glowing right now too.

We all forget ourselves sometimes, or at least, I know I do. And sometimes I remember, and that's hard too, since I never go easy on myself, in fact, more often than not I'm very cruel. Or maybe forget isn't even the right word right now. Maybe there isn't even a reason but the need to feel, the time to feel, like seasons of the heart indeed.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a whole lot of nothing. But even if the words I write here, each time I do, are clumsy, turned the wrong way by the time they twist themselves out from my fingers, I assure you (with a wry laugh) I don't do it because I'm some freaky stalker or trying to keep up with you or trying to be cute. It's because, to put it with ridiculous simplicity, you are alive, like a beacon in the night. You've survived everything the universe has thrown at you, and I have the faith that simply comes from reading your words (which is the only way I'm gifted to know you, and how I have then been gifted) that until the calling from the other side comes you always will. And not merely survived, clutching a ragged sail, but sewn it with seashells from a thousand thousand magical kingdoms and goldy-green thread gifted from a mermaid's comb. I learned a long time ago it matters to let the nightingale know that her song is cherished, even if it doesn't mean so much to the nightingale that you've let her know ;)

If this comes across as pity, or condescending, or anything negative, it's not the spirit in which these little words, whispered down into the dark pool where tonight the moon finds herself, are intended at all. Just caring, from a wanderer passing through.

You are loved.
<3

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[info]n5iln
2008-11-18 03:32 am UTC (link)
Seems you're not alone in being alone...

(with apologies to Sting)

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[info]marieoroumania
2008-11-18 04:11 am UTC (link)
We love you!

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[info]razz
2008-11-18 04:13 am UTC (link)
Did I ever tell you that one of my favorite life moments comes from a moment in the woods when I stilled my breathe and calmed my heart enough to catch a glimpse and feel the warming glow of a firefly for my first time? True story! Just like then, I'd watch your blink forever if you'd allow my rusty shine to stare so hopefully back.

At the least, I would sit here at my window, all night in my pajamas, keeping watch for you and with you and beeping back at you through the woods, all the way until dawn.

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[info]ravengirl
2008-11-18 04:28 am UTC (link)
Life makes us large and small by turns, small blue balls of curled up human frailty. I love your heart, good soul, and know you will return with strength and vim.

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[info]smartlikeatruck
2008-11-18 04:39 am UTC (link)
You are so not alone. the world loves you, girl. Let it.

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It always amazes me.
[info]delikatcreature
2008-11-18 05:11 am UTC (link)
I've felt the same. But it just seems like your life is like this calleidoscope of wonder to me. You've done and seen and been so much. How can it be nothing? Hail Traveler.

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[info]sixfiftytwo
2008-11-18 05:12 am UTC (link)
I sometimes let myself drift off into fantasies, where Talullah and I drift meaningfully through wherever, speculating together on deserts and community, loneliness and solitude, avoiding whatever brought us to the point of fleeing responsibility, but together in our desire to just be. Somewhere. Some time.

When I am lost, I always find my way back to your words. You are somewhere else, and I'll probably never find you. But I breathe you, I sigh you. Your monologue on LJ brings me far away from here but back to the very center where I began.

And if this comment made you dizzy, I'm glad, I'm dizzy too.

K

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[info]helenix
2008-11-18 05:12 am UTC (link)
Hello, fellow path-illuminator.

Last night I found myself shaped like a paisley on the cold kitchen linoleum. I sobbed until my entire being had become a dark howling emptiness reaching eternally inward, in search of itself.

Hell may last forever, but so does everything else...

Thank you for your light. Thank you for reaching out. Your bravery inspires more people than you will ever know.

Only Love,
Siobhan

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[info]summercamp
2008-11-18 05:42 am UTC (link)
You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You!

Stuart

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don't give up, sweet heart
[info]djmermaid
2008-11-18 06:14 am UTC (link)
<3

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[info]yellowrosetx
2008-11-18 06:24 am UTC (link)
You are far from being a fuck up. You were having a misfit day. ::hugs::

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[info]her_whispers
2008-11-18 06:33 am UTC (link)
you are having a day like i am it seems. where, for whatever reason, our own belief in ourselves falters and where we feel exactly as you said, very small and very alone. mine manifested in over reaction, anger, then tears. yours at least by the tears. neither of us are fuckups or very alone unless we allow our psyches to believe it. the beauty of it, no matter how cliche: tomorrow is a new day.

i plan on making my tomorrow better. even if i have to fake it.

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[info]provoca7eur
2008-11-18 01:25 pm UTC (link)
This made me feel better, even if was not directed at. Thanks.

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[info]inushnu
2008-11-18 08:05 am UTC (link)
i dont know how you do it. see... i can't even face walking into a work situation any more. i've separated so far from it that i think something inside of me has gone insane...or sane?

can i say that i think jobs don't suit you? that i think you're like me with out the rich sugar daddy? can i say that you seemed so much happier and healthier when you were flying from place to place and walking around the desert like a wild wolf?

maybe you dont belong in this scene you've picked and that's why you are so sad and struggling so often? Or maybe I'm wrong and WAY off base.

i'm out of touch. or maybe i'm just getting in touch and it's so weird it feels wrong?

dunno. you tell me....

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[info]ada
2008-11-18 08:16 am UTC (link)
You are not alone. I hope that the consolation of others does not make you feel "less" in any manner.

It does no good to use the external or status quo as a measure of self. Even if circumstances now are not according to plan, consider it a detour or a learning experience in preparation for something greater. If these are not the fodder for future stories, then embellish them beyond lore.

You have others beaming in here, each in their own way. Perhaps we can create a terra constellation together.

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[info]ldygwynedd
2008-11-18 11:33 am UTC (link)
::flickers back:: I am here. I am here.

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[info]provoca7eur
2008-11-18 01:23 pm UTC (link)
Try doing a tarot reading.

I am in the same boat today, since last night. I feel miserable sometimes. Especially when not moving and having the time to reflect.

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[info]faerose_
2008-11-18 09:34 pm UTC (link)
I see you as so bright and beautiful. Yes, maybe a flickering light, but a light non the less.

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[info]mandiblerose
2008-11-18 09:45 pm UTC (link)
look at what you bring out in people. Wow. Do you know how many you amaze? It may seem a heavy mantle at times, or you may feel it's not warrented, but WE feel it is. You grace along side of all of us, never making us feel worse about ourselves, but not allowing us to settle either.
I appreciate what you bring to all of our darkness. And every candle flickers. You just have to ask for the oxygen to fan you back into flame. We are here. Just as you are for us. We all thank you.
We miss you.

Bob (my love) and I were swimming last night, and I was flailing about in the water, a sight, I'm sure. I DON'T swim. He giggled and said "wow, you're being very Earth Sign right now". Guilty. Virgo. But I thought of you, and how you seemed to command the Earth around you. And how balance happens.

We all have our weaknesses, and strengths.


You are many a strength to us.

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[info]sirensvoice
2008-11-19 05:56 am UTC (link)
Sorry to hear that you've had a down event. I know that your spirit will rise. I'm a big believer in the "this too shall pass" philosophy. Keep your chin up!

Sirensvoice

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Travellers
[info]chestnutleaf
2008-11-24 10:18 am UTC (link)
Feeling lost too one night I found your site looking for something entirely different and got caught up in your beautiful, powerful writing. I came back last night and felt compelled to answer your cry to us strange fellow travellers. Your last entry was an inspiration to me - I hope you surface again soon and unfold your prose in The Sun.

Tears are also a relief.



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[info]lanthanum
2008-12-01 02:45 am UTC (link)

that's pretty much been my year; all nights like that.
i've closed off from just about everyone and everything, and i'm on a constant state of autopilot.

my flashlight is always aimed at the sky, and it's too vast up there for the light to actually catch anything and so i keep going, blind.

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[info]shadowfayrie
2008-12-29 01:03 am UTC (link)
Your not a fuck-up and I wouldn't let one event or one moment overshadow the progress you've made. I know when you are in that moment its hard to see out of it though. It might be good to talk to your friends or family and get someone else perspective. And its also good to think about all the good things in your life right now even the littlest thing..

I hope things get better for you! *hugs*

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