life, the extraordinary accident
A lesson as of late: life is an extraordinary accident.
Ever do something that you consider to be small and find that other people surprise and amaze you in a wholly wonderful way? That's how I feel about the responses to my last post. I made the post in part due to a friend's post in her journal; I've always idealised her body and here, she posted, saying she's a size four and she feels fat. The responses to her post, everything from encouragement to people insulting larger-bodied people with words like "fatty," gave me pause to consider body image and self-esteem. Of all the struggles I've had in finding myself, body image/self-esteem has been one of my biggest obstacles. I'm still fumbling my way towards acceptance, as everyone I know is. Some days I know it’s kickass to be inhabiting this body, this time, but a lot of the time, I’m thinking too much this or too little that, never just right, like some “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” folktale gone sadistic.
What is it about our skin that makes us hate the containers that hold our souls? Why do I do it? I scream this question in my head every time I avoid a mirror or run an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill, even when I’ve already run for hours. I want this voice to be sage and sweetgrass wisdom, like shuffling feet in an abandoned dancehall and reaching for the medicine bag instead of the bottle. I try to make it so and often feel very alone in this silent effort, the dirty secret I wipe on my pants with trembling fingers. Then, I read responses like the ones to my post and I understand I am not alone.
You people are truly fearless, inspiring, beautiful, and raw in what you've posted. Reading each response makes me want to scoop the lot of you up, cuddle you, kiss your faces, make you gingerbread cookies, play Joni Mitchell (or something great if she's not your cup of oolong), and tell each and every one of you that you're my heroes and heroines. Indubitably. I feel like everyone has laid a little present in my lap, wrapped in satin ribbons and decorated with wildflowers. I want to express many things to each person, but first, I must say, simply:
THANK YOU.
It all begins with that phrase.
miss talullah jewel
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muse) wrote,
