There are times, awkwardly fumbling, that we offend or hurt others. The mirror is our eyes. There are other times, when other people, also awkwardly fumbling, hurt us. This is a part of being brave enough to feel and express emotions. Some would say that it's connected to what makes us truly human. Humanity carries with it all the weight of individuality and the freedom of expression. Seizing that honesty comes with the price of potential pain. If I know anything of myself, it's that I do not operate with the intent to harm or otherwise injure other people. I try not to assume others mean harm when they hurt me.
I've learned so much in living in this city. My view of the world has both gotten wider and also, shrunk. Living in one of the most racially divided and physically violent cities in the United States has enabled me to think and rethink many of my views. I can understand why stereotypes exist, and am also grateful for the people who press beyond those. There's so much that's truly ugly here, so much of the darker side of humankind--from cop-shootings to a high murder rate to the forced sex-trafficking of illegals in Chinatown. Sometimes, I ride the bus and am the only person offering her seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman. A few weeks ago, I saw a motorist hit a bicyclist and speed away; last week, someone critically injured eight-year-old twins, same situation. I'm seeing more than I might have ever seen before, even as I feel oppressed and small and insignificant.
Maybe it was good for me to escape the naive bubble I lived in at Arcosanti. I'm starting to feel that the world is not a place of good intentions, which breaks my heart. If you meet someone who possesses true honour, cling to that person and shine forth the beacon of your own light upon him or her. It's really rarer than one thinks. It's not that I've grown cynical, it's just that I've seen and experienced more that's truly hurt my heart and soul here. I never wanted to view the world this way, and I know that I cannot and will not go back. I must press forward and tend to my own light. I must recognise the light in others, and be brave enough to stand tall even when I feel defeated and tired. I came to Philadelphia for love, and while this city is not filled with the brotherly love it purports, it taught me how to love truer and gentler than I ever have.
The last two weeks have been so fucking rough. Last Monday, a man entered the store wanting cash back without a receipt. When my associate gently told him our policy, he became verbally abusive, even using curse words and threats. I asked him to leave and he proceeded to verbally batter me. I repeated my demand that he leave and called security. He left only to return a half-hour later with his hand in his coat. "I'm back, bitch," he announced and proceeded to lay into me with a security guard standing there idly. The man claimed we were racially profiling him. When I emphatically told him that we weren't and that the policy would remain no matter his skin colour, age, or gender, he became more furious. He pretended to shoot me and kept staring me down and yelling "Bang bang." With his hand in his coat and his associates wearing street tattoos, I thought he might. I had that flash that one gets before something dangerous happens. He smashed things around. People cleared the store in a panic. Finally, the security guard requested he leave--after I told him to do so. As the man was leaving, he pointed the faux guns of his fingers at me and yelled, "Now, I'm gonna fuck up your life. I'm going to call your company every day about you." We called the police, our company, and the head of security.
Then, we had to call the police again because he and his friends were calling the store repeatedly, asking when we closed and when we were leaving. Friday, I got word that he'd called the consumer complaint line to report a grievance. He claimed I called him racial names like mixed, which is ironic because that's how I identify, and the man had beautiful dark skin and didn't appear racially mixed in any way. Besides, who cares if he was? I certainly didn't. The company backed my associate and me. He didn't like it, and called the store on Tuesday to say, "Bitch. It ain't over yet. I'm comin' for you!" and other charming things. Wednesday, he showed up, and security chased him out. Each time, we keep calling the police to add this to the report. We have two different names for him and a phone number, but nothing. When he told me he was after me, I could see in his eyes it was not an idle threat. I'm very good at knowing what is and is not a true threat.
I am told to keep calling the police and that they can't do anything unless they see him near me. Friday, his two friends--who were present during all of this--came in ostensibly to shop. I think they were taking the temperature of the store. Security swarmed the store, and the friends called the suspect, laughing, and taking camera-phone pictures. I don't feel safe. I feel completely threatened, and for the first time I'm being threatened by a total stranger, and I don't understand why. Those of you who know my past know that it's been a good ten years since I almost lost my life due to an abusive partner. I know this stuff already; I don't need reminders that this System is inherently flawed and further victimises victims with the hoops we have to jump through to get someone arrested. I'm fucking angry that I'm a victim in this because I never thought I'd be one again, yet I'm having panic attacks, looking over my shoulder, and thinking that this might not be a good city for me.
All I know is it's hurting me and causing me to look at the world in an even different way, and I'm not sure that it's a good thing. There are times, too, that others hurt us, and all we can do is make ourselves safe and trust that it'll all be okay. I don't know that it will be, though. I just know that I feel very scared and very alone and it hasn't faded for me. Shaun has been amazing and supportive, but just because he is those things doesn't mean he should have to be those things. I've got to get it together before I fall apart. I've overcome too much to be feeling this way. I just can't stop myself from feeling this scared or shake the feeling that this man is going to seriously injure or kill me.
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